noise catalogue
Since I have no one to notice little things about me, I have been paying more attention to myself. Things I have noticed:
When I am alone and mildly frustrated I use some variation of “aiiishhhhhh” or “ishhhhhhh” or “eeeshhhhhhh.”
My favorite thing to say when I accidentally knock something over is “That was always going to happen.”
When I am eating something delicious I go “hmmm hmmm~” while chewing.
I sing a song to my cat every time I see her. Lately it always starts with, “you’re so tiny~ you’re a baby~.”
I feel compelled to double certain words and phrases. “hello hello”, “hi hi”, “it’s okay it’s okay”, and “thank you thank you.”
toxic apple cocktail
basically just tastes of sparkling apple juice.
after this picture, I tried to pour a neon pink layer right at the top, but it all mixed together and went brown. RIP.
onigiri disaster
First attempt at onigiri. It did not go well. I think futzing with the little molds may be more trouble than just hand-forming imperfect triangles.
Two types of fillin’ made from leftovers, some had chicken tikka, some had vegetable stir-fry. We wrapped the majority of the onigiri to have with leftover curry later.
My beverage today was excellent though. Sparkling raspberry limeade.
I am so endlessly angry these days. I can keep it contained for most of the day and then I’ll see something that triggers full force internal screaming. I want to believe in humanity, I want to maintain a general sense of hope. I really do, but it is difficult.
I want to believe in the endless potential of the human mind and spirit, but then I see countless examples of stupidity, purposeful ignorance, apathy, and outright cruelty. Advances in technology are truly a miracle, but they also allow for all of humanity’s worst traits to be laid bare for everyone to see. The internet has become a constant, heavy reminder of everything ugly that humans create. It should be noted that I also count as an ugly part of the world.
I’d rather not let this slow drip of digital poison kill my hope. Realistically, I know that staying in isolation means I will never make much of a difference in the world, but at this point I’d rather keep myself out of the line of fire.
I thought The Incident from a decade ago would be the closest I would ever come to fully breaking, but it may have actually been The Mystery from a year ago that pushed me to the edge. I haven’t gone over the edge yet. I don’t hate humanity yet.
If I had to be specific about it: The Incident made me feel as though I am subhuman trash who deserves to be treated like shit, but The Mystery shattered my entire worldview and left me questioning the goodness of loved ones and strangers alike.
Both events tried to tell me that hope is a silly, silly thing to hold onto.
forgot to post these
Not a great bunch, but I am relearning how to use my camera so, whatever.
the littlest steaks
Tiny filets, a tiny baked potato, steamed broccolini, red wine gravy, and garlic-basil butter.
Overall? Solid B+!
Meat was good, sauce was excellent, broccolini was not overly al dente.
The potato was a tad overcooked, and the butter had too much garlic (still enjoyable though.)
It was also nice to borrow my parents’ ingredients, kitchen, and dishware.
I did want to slice more bread to sop up the sauce, but this was already an extremely indulgent lunch.
“you’re only as strong as your weakest photograph”
I heard this advice in high school while building a portfolio and it has stuck in a corner of my brain since then.
Note: I also apply it to many things in life outside of art, which may be slightly neurotic.
On one hand: very sound advice that I do agree with while building a portfolio.
On the other hand: where do you draw the line?
I can easily point to the weakest photograph on my photography page on this website, but it still has elements I enjoy. There is generally something to be enjoyed in even the weakest items. It can also be enlightening to see the entire oeuvre of an artist that you respect.
But… by no means would I encourage someone to build a portfolio that includes literally all of their work.
Anyway, I’m relearning how to use my DSLR and editing the photos from this morning. Take a thousand photos, get ten decent ones out of the lot. This is how I operate. I have also come across photos from an old Japan trip that I thought I had lost.
Maybe eventually I will relearn how dark rooms and development work.
oh, the good news:
Through an incredibly tense and uncomfortable discussion full of questions, I think my family is on the way towards being a bit more Healed.
Today is good, today is pleasant, the beef may be squashed.
the mystery
I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything other than the mystery for about a year now.
I could put myself in the mindset of a victim with zero agency, or I can continue to view myself as a detective driven mad. It should be obvious which one is preferable.
I will not, I cannot, truly rest. Not until I know what exactly happened, who was involved, and why. This is both for my sense of safety and satisfaction. It has taken me a while to get to this point, but I want justice. Nothing excessive, nothing violent, but justice.
One of the biggest issues is that until I know the full truth, literally no one can be trusted.
That incident was a lesson, it taught me how to hate. What a disgusting feeling.
This may be hard to believe given the state I was in previously, but now that I have recovered my health,
I will never forget.
what do you mean you can’t look at your subconscious?
can’t or won’t?
what are you, stupid?
chaise lounge in the mind palace
Therapy once a week isn’t nearly enough when I have almost 0 social interaction in my life.
I’ve essentially created a simulacrum of my therapist to speak with in my mind. There’s a lot of tangled wire to be sorted, and a lot of seemingly disparate information that needs to be pieced together.
I keep catching myself making the facial expressions and doing the hand gestures that go along with the conversation.
Also… my therapist is cool. He is very nice to me, it is refreshing. To be able to speak without limiting myself in any way… To be looked at without projection, mockery, pity, envy, or any other form of nonsense… It feels so good.
I keep coming back to this one moment last session, he showed me the type of eyes I haven’t seen in a long, long while. He looked at me like he was staring down a genius. It was just a flash, a simple moment where he had to ask a strange question. I think it has been about 15 years since someone has looked at me with genuine awe (without feeling fear, without needing to insult or diminish me.)
My god, it feels so good.
“master manipulator”
I don’t like this phrase. It gives the person in question too much credit. I never see a “master” of anything in those people. I see a sad, scared child doing a song and dance that no one cares for.